Scribes & Archers

Today I want to do something different, just because I thought it would be fun. I was recently reading through an old (as in… decade-old) draft to pick out what was salvageable. It had some worldbuilding gems… and also some hilariously awful lines. So today I’m going to share the highlights with you so that you can laugh at my younger self with me and get a sneak peek at some things that might show up in later projects. Sound fun? Here we go.

Introductory notes

I did not divide this book into chapters, so it’s one 30,000-word chunk. Yes, this does make it hard to follow. No, apparently I didn’t care.

It’s also very obvious from the entire first portion of this book (maybe the first 50 pages? again, no chapter breaks) that I loved Link’s Crossbow Training on the Wii and just plopped the characters down into it. (Game mechanics galore! Who cares about whether or not it makes sense in a book?) But also that I had finally gotten Twilight Princess and now I knew what the insides of buildings looked like and who was supposed to inhabit them! The main characters get to meet every. single. one of them.

Here’s a concise exhibit of how much this was just Twilight Princess fanfiction:

“Well, the only way for a non-zora to get up to Hyrule again is to go to Fyer’s and have him shoot you up with a cannon that comes out of the roof of his house. That cannon shoots you up to the house of his brother Falbi, who makes money by flying people down to Lake Hylia by chickens, which is the only way to get down there if you’re not already in the Zora Domain, and if you’re there, you have to go down to upper Zora’s River and rent a canoe from Iza, and that costs the same as flying down from Falbi’s.”

An icon of the early Archer universe

Just one note that only really matters to me…

Link gestured for them to follow and led them to a contraption, the body was made of a very large barrel with a side cut out of it and it had wings that looked real.

“Are those wings real?” asked the youngest girl, Bella.

“Yes, they were made from goose feathers.”

The teens went wide-eyed again.

“Get comfortable.” Link said, gesturing to the barrel.

They sat on brown cushions in the front of the contraption and Link got in behind them.

“This is called a Zimbermuck; the elves make one every hundred years. As you could guess, they are very rare.”

Forget the ridiculous background and name, but the Zimbermuck was an iconic bit of worldbuilding in my early stories. It showed up everywhere, not just in this series but in other stories as well. It was my characters’ vehicle of choice, even if they were fairies and literally had wings. Somehow I had forgotten about it until I reread this project, but it is so iconic to my early writing that I feel like I have to iron out the weirdness and bring it back in some form.

Zimbermuck

“What is it?” Saria asked.

“Father wants us at the castle immediately.”

“Does it say why?”

“No.”

“Well then, let’s go!” The group loaded into the zimbermuck and flew as swiftly as possible to the castle.

I can’t believe how often I wrote “zimbermuck” with a completely straight face.

Merely coincidental

Twilight Alary is about to marry Fogg Canty:

“Fogg’s sisters, Twilight and Dawn, will be bridesmaids as well.”

“He has a sister named Twilight?”

“Yes. It’s merely coincidental.”

Priorities

“Link is in Baarmegan and Homare has captured Sarabrina.” Saria said.

“Then let’s go get her!” Chevon said.

“No! Her note says not to try to save her.”

“You’re okay with just letting her stay with that man?”

“No I’m not. But if she says to not go after her, she has a reason and we don’t go after her.”

“Fine, but we should at least tell Rusl and Uli.”

“I know. But we aren’t going anywhere on empty stomachs.”

They ate a hurried meal of porridge and ran out the door and down the path to Rusl’s house.

Sources say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

The best character so far

“Where might you be going at such a fast pace?” The woman asked.

“Nowhere.” Sarabrina responded.

“Nowhere? Well, then how will you know when you get there?”

No joke, we’re halfway through the story and this random unnamed lady has the most interesting character voice by far.

“There’s a village about half a mile away from here. That direction, through the trees.” The woman pointed. “Lots of friendly people. They’ll welcome a stranger like you. You aren’t from around here are you?”

Sarabrina shook her head.

“No, I didn’t think so; your garb is too simple for you to be a Jewel.”

“A Jewel?”

“That’s what we people of Jewel Kingdom call ourselves.”

“I see. You say that this village is that way?” Sarabrina pointed.

“Straight as a bolt from a crossbow. If you lose your way, there are some strange men living in the woods, they’ll point you in the right direction.”

Ah, yes, let’s go to the strange woodsmen for directions!

“Thank you.”

Wait what?? No eyelash-batting??

The second best character so far

Sarabrina ran toward the trees and went in the direction that the woman had pointed. She soon was at the wooden walls of a small town.

“Howdy, ma’am. How might I serve you?” Asked the gatekeeper.

“I need lodging and food.” Sarabrina said.

“Ahh, not from around here are ye? No, I didn’t think so. Garb’s too simple. I know where you can get some great attire, it’s to the south of town…”

“Thank you, but just food and lodging.”

“Ahh, right. This way.” The gatekeeper led her to a tavern.

“Here ye are. Have a good stay, ma lady. But be careful, there’s some dangerous folk in there. Stay away from the… rangers, they ain’t from around here neither. Watch yeself.” With that, the gatekeeper left and Sarabrina entered the tavern.

Another nameless character with more personality than the main characters! And he’s actually warning her away from the strangers…

Plot devices

“Hello, is this seat taken?” [Sarabrina] asked, as she pointed to an empty chair next to one of the rangers.

Noooo…

“[…]how do we know that we can trust her?”

“Because I do.” The man lowered his hood to reveal himself as Chevon.

“Chevon! What are you doing here! How did you get here so fast!”

If I was going to use the rangers as a plot device to connect Sarabrina with her unexpected rescuers, why did I have the gatekeeper warn her away from them?

Strong worldbuilding

“So, why couldn’t you transport yourself any closer?” Sarabrina asked Sphene as they ran.

“Because, I don’t have an anchor there.”

“An anchor?”

“Yes, to transport one must have an anchor wherever they wish to land. Of course, one can only create an anchor if they are in that place, which means that they try to anticipate where they will have need to go and travel to those places and create anchors.”

“Do you plan to create an anchor when we get there?”

“Yes. Homare obviously already has an anchor, but I cannot use it because Homare created it, I did not. One can only use their own anchor.”

Solid worldbuilding! I can use this!

“That seems silly.”

Come on, Sarabrina.

The vibe

This actually still does a great job of encompassing the dynamic between these two (though their names have changed):

“That ‘Homare fellow’ just so happens to be my father, and I will not see him insulted!”

“Peace, son.” came Homare’s voice, echoing about the empty amphitheater.

The magician appeared behind Julius, who turned and bowed.

“Forgive me, Father.” He said.

“Rise, I need no homage from you. These fools, however, will pay homage to the both of us.”

Actually decent writing??

“We’ll see about that. Now that I mention it, this would be a fine place for a magic battle. But please, don’t burn the flowers with that blue fire of yours. It would be a shame to see the roses wilt under its withering heat.”

Sphene scowled. “Since when do you care about roses and flowers? You care nothing for life; you disregard it as if it were dust.”

“And it is, dust that will be blown away in due time… or perhaps, undue time.”

It’s not Shakespeare, but given the surrounding writing, this is really not half bad.

That de-escalated quickly

Homare threw a ball of fire at Sphene, which she caused to evaporate with a larger ball of ice. She created a ball of pepper in her hand and blew it at Homare, who inhaled it and began sneezing hysterically.

From fire! To… pepper.

Was it clumsy?

She threw a ball of fire at him and he collapsed, throwing a hastily created ball of snow at her, which she easily sidestepped, for it had been thrown clumsily.

I think maybe this was clumsy.

Palpatine, is that you?

Lightning spewed from her fingers and into him, electrocuting him and causing his hair to stand on end.

Let me check the back

“You don’t look much better yourself. Come on. I’ve got a healer in the back.”

With the other backup stock.

No, socially

“How close was the Hylian magician to the young woman?”

“Five hundred feet?”

“No, socially.”

“Oh.”

Given the context, it was entirely reasonable to expect this to be a literal distance question, making this genuinely funny.

Penniless

“Thank you. We’ll be going home now.”

“Chevon, Sphene is dead. We can’t go the same way that we came.” Sarabrina said.

“Oh, you’re right. And I’m penniless.”

The mention of pennies is excused by the fact that this is a portal fantasy, even if it does start exactly the same way as the first book in its series.

You can’t fight

“You go to the blacksmith and pick up three swords.”

“Four.” Sarabrina corrected.

“Five.” Another correction, this time from Barethaline.

“Barethaline, you can’t fight.” Hithila objected.

“Yes I can. All those times I’ve said I was going to Gertrude’s house, she and I went to Derek’s shop, where he taught us to fight.”

“You stubborn girls. All right then, five.”

Pfft. Girls can’t learn to fight. Not without lying to their mothers. Obviously.

This is really messed up

“Jake is taking us by airship.”

“Jake? He can’t be trusted.”

“That’s my opinion as well, but he’s our only option.”

“We don’t have a magician?”

“No, the magician that brought Chevon here was killed, and the magician who brought Sarabrina is even less trustworthy than Jake.”

“Who killed the first magician?”

“The second magician.”

“Who was that?”

“Homare.”

“Homare?! You mean the servant of King Julius?!”

“And father.” Sarabrina added.

“Homare is Julius’ father?”

“Yup.” Chevon said. “We got it straight from Julius’ mother, who just so happens to be the woman that Barethaline’s father married after he was led to believe that Hithila and Barethaline were dead.”

“This is really messed up.” Gertrude said.

“Yup, it sure is.”

At least I acknowledged how convoluted and messy I made things. (I didn’t even show you the part where multiple spouses were led to believe their spouses were dead and then they remarried. That’s a trip and it will come up later.) Also, I just found the rapid-fire back and forth here amusing.

The only one in the world

They set out then, their cloaks about their shoulders, and headed to the outskirts opposite where Sarabrina and Chevon had come in and entered a barn, where a copper-headed warrior stood tapping his foot impatiently.

At least he looked like a warrior. Scars on his hardened face and muscled forearms suggested more than a fair share of battles, and his rough leather shirt bore the emblem of an oak.

“Took you long enough.” said the man in a gruff voice.

“We took only half of the ten minutes. You’re complaining about nothing.” Benden said.

“Come on.”

The warrior led the way to a sleek, elegant ship. It was enclosed, with no deck, and was propelled by two fans on its tail end. It was gold, with black trimmings, and there were windows on the very front and the front of either side.

“This is the Firebird, and I’m Jake, the only airship pilot in the entire world. Please come aboard.”

Why would you distrust the only airship pilot in the entire world? I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.

Touch the stars

They looked out the windows to see black sky with stars so close it seemed you could touch them. And you probably could, really, but whether you’d like to or not is questionable.

Priorities, Pt. 2

“Where’s Sphene? Who are all these people?”

“I’ll explain when we get inside. Right now, we need to eat.”

Well, it’s very clear that these characters are not skipping meals despite their busy adventures.

Creative metaphor

“Elk! Crimson!” She yelled, running to them and embracing them as if she was a five year old who hadn’t seen her parents in a year.

I guess with these characters it makes sense to use this scenario as a metaphor.

Yeah, so?

“I heard that you saved her life.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Good job.”

“Thanks.”

He’s clearly very proud of this accomplishment.

Don’t want to know

The toadpolis were fish, big fish, that spit burning balls of some mixture that no one know the origin of. Frankly, I don’t think I want to know.

Thank you, narrator who is just the author herself. …Frankly, I’m still not sure I want to know.

Fun history lesson, but…

“It’s a long story. But Twilight was born shortly after that, that’s why her name is Twilight…that and the purple streaks in her hair.”

“They’re natural?”

“Sure are. Just as natural as Dawn Canty’s golden eyes.”

“How did they get those?”

“Magic. Hyrule is full of it.”

“Well, this history lesson was fun, but I was wondering what the next stage will be.” Ursus said.

This is not the first time someone has hurried on a bit of small talk (pointless and/or info-dumping conversation was my younger self’s specialty, apparently), but it is definitely the most funny.

Unquestionable high stakes

“I sent Aira to take Link because an old man told me to. His name is Bwalin, and Link affirmed his credibility. Link is with Bwalin now, and if he sets foot back in Hyrule before the Smiths get their licenses, he and everyone he loves will die.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

I have so many questions.

I forgot

“I know. But what happens then? Who will save us?”

“Abba, of course. Who else?”

Sarabrina looked down. She should have remembered. She should have had faith in her God.

“I forgot.”

“I know.”

Apparently I forgot, too, because Abba has never been mentioned prior to this and we’re on page 139 of 165.

Insults

“Where are we this time, creep?” Saria asked.

…

“You…Idiot! You send…your father to…do…your dirty work…for you. You’re a lazy piece of junk!”

The comically weak insults of a 12-year-old.

Deus ex… deus?

Sarabrina stood wearily, still in pain from her collision with the wall, and went over to one of the walls. She pulled back her fist and, to her surprise, her meager strength pulled down the wall.

“How?! This is impossible! That’s the strongest glass available, and a girl, a mere girl, pulls it down with ease. And she’s weak as a pebble! How is this possible!” Homare shouted.

“It wasn’t me.” Sarabrina said.

“Who was it, then?” Julius asked, as surprised as Sarabrina at this turn of events.

“It was Abba. I told you, Homare, that he would provide a way out. He has. And he will provide me the strength to save the others, as well.”

She ran out of the room with strength that she wasn’t feeling and the guards, miraculously, made way for her, even as far as giving her the keys to the cells!

“How did you…?!” Chevon asked.

“Abba. He gave me the strength and caused the guards to cooperate.”

Oh… I finally mentioned the God-figure so I could use him as a plot device… Yay…

Crossbow licenses

“Oh, and Elk said that they’ll need to go back over some of the stages so that they’ll all have good scores instead of just neutral. If they only have neutral, then they’ll only have beginner or intermediate licenses. If they go back over the ones that are neutral or bad, they can get expert licenses.”

More Link’s Crossbow Training mechanics!

It’s not

“Today we go to Darknut Hall.” Sarabrina said, four days after her recovery.

“That sounds cool.” Nathan said.

“It’s not.”

Anyone who has played Link’s Crossbow Training knows… the struggle was real.

Live long…

“I now present to you the five Eagles, Chevon, Mariah, Nathan, Ursus, and Bella. May they live long and prosper.”

“May they live long and prosper!” came the outcry from the crowd.

I guess everyone’s Vulcan now.

How many dances?

“The first prize goes to Sarabrina Elfbourne, and she wins the next ten dances with any young man she chooses.” Zelda announced.

The cheers that came after were as loud as a waterfall, and there was a murmur among the young men about who she would choose to dance with.

“The second prize goes to Chevon Smith, and he wins the next five dances after that with whichever young lady he chooses.”

They’re going to have fifteen dances together, aren’t they?

“Princess Sarabrina! Who do you choose?” asked a young man from the back of the room.

“Chevon Smith.” she responded, without delay.

“I’m honored.” Chevon said.

They danced the next fifteen dances together, because he had chosen her for his five, as well.

I knew it.

More orphans

Two days afterwards, after all of the guests had left, the Elfbournes, Alarys, Aruns, and Smiths sent for Jake, but found that he had left Kakariko in his airship the night of the party. Fogg offered to take Gertrude, and they returned shortly after with sad news.

“My parents were killed in a fire while I was gone.” Gertrude said.

“I think the fire was set on purpose.” Fogg said.

Homare had struck again.

I don’t even know who Gertrude is. She just appeared when they were leaving Jewel Kingdom and now gets to suffer in order to showcase how evil Homare is.

Gertrude was taken to Kakariko, where Hithila, Ivar, Tammeth, and Benden had moved to, and they said they’d be happy to adopt her. Homare had only partially won.

Oh, well if he only partially won I guess that makes it all better.

That solves that problem

Ivar went out one day to hunt and returned with a wound on his shoulder from a poisonous snake.

“Ivar!” Hithila yelled when she saw him coming home, his tan skin green and his pupils wide.

“Come inside. I think I may have an antidote.”

She rummaged through her bag for it, but found none.

“Ivar!” she almost sobbed. “I lost you once, I can’t lose you again!”

“You…have Benden…He’ll…take care of you…let me go.”

Hithila sobbed as he died, but knew that he was right; Benden would take care of them.

Hithila and the others went to the castle and invited those living there to the funeral, explaining what had happened.

“There are no poisonous snakes in Hyrule.” Zelda said. “Someone must have planted it.”

“Who?” Barethaline asked.

“Homare. He’s the source of all our troubles these days. Last year it was his son, Julius. This year it’s him.”

Plus Ivar had to die so the weird love triangle (square?) between supposed-dead spouses could start to get cleared up. Sorry, Hithila.

Or whatever is equivalent

“Zelda!” Homare called from outside the gates of the castle.

“Go away Homare!” she yelled back from the tower.

“I’m not leaving. All of your people are prisoners, Zelda. Surrender or we shall lay siege.”

“We’ll never surrender, you know that.”

“Prepare to be boarded, Zelda. Or whatever the equivalent is in castle-talk.”

You know when the author rudely inserts themselves into their characters’ dialogue? My younger self was very guilty of this.

Come prepared next time

Homare’s army, evidently not ready for a siege, was still creating ladders and siege towers, and they were busy with their battering ram, the only thing they had prepared ahead of time.

He doesn’t know how to declare a siege or enact one, apparently.

Is that how that works?

The ram caught with the first arrow, and then after several more had been launched, the ram was completely aflame. The soldiers tried to hold it by the horns, but the heating iron was burning their bare hands. They dropped the ram, and the spaces between the paving stones lit as well until they came to the central square.

“Did you rig that?” Sarabrina asked.

“It’s an old mechanism. If your opponent has a wooden battering ram, you light it. Once they drop it, the flame spreads through the underground channels of oil. It’ll heat the stones they’re walking on, too.”

They watched the soldiers of Homare’s army and saw that they were now practically hopping from one foot to the next, for the stone had heated beneath their feet and they were getting hot, even through the leather soles of their boots, though those weren’t very thick.

“Nice mechanism, Zelda.” Chevon said.

“Thank you. I had Fogg install it years ago.”

This is cool to a young author’s brain, and maybe still a cool concept now, but what happens if something sparks into those channels by accident?? If the castle is lit with torches, this is a massive hazard.

Apparently

They walked up to the gates of the castle and doused the fire with buckets of salt that they had brought with them and soon the path was clear again. A bucket of water was used to douse the ram, which was apparently made of an extremely resilient wood. It was hardly eaten up!

“Apparently.” Discovery writing at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

The ending of the decade

Zelda’s army fought valiantly, and Homare’s army had been depleted, so soon the enemy had been reduced to Homare and his two henchmen.

“Well, I see that you have fought well. But can you fight this?”

Homare summoned an eight foot tall giant and laughed evilly as the monster loomed behind him.

“This, my friends, is a troll from Voltaire, another young country here on Arken. Please, say hello.”

He cackled once more and disappeared in a puff of vapor.

The soldiers, no dummies, climbed the troll’s tree trunk-like legs and went all the way up to his shoulders, sawing through his neck. When they finally succeeded in beheading him, they jumped and ran to avoid being squished.

Thus the siege was completed.

Homare, cowed by the ease with which they had killed the troll, didn’t attack again, and Hyrule and Baarmegan lived in peace once more. However, in nineteen years, another problem would arise, and two sisters would save Hyrule. But that is a story for another time.

Voltaire is never mentioned again, but maybe it should be. A young country? That has so much potential within the scheme of bi-global politics.

This is also the most abrupt ending in the history of endings.

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With the end of the book, we come to the end of this post. I hope you got a laugh out of these snippets like I did. Let me know in the comments what your favorite snippet was, if you ever played Link’s Crossbow Training and/or Twilight Princess, and whether you’d like to see me do this with other old drafts in the future!